Ever get really into something, like say, owls, and tell everyone only to realize a year later that you’ve become the owl person? Suddenly, your place is filled with tons of owls that people give you: owl cookie jars, owl clocks (with moving eyes), robotic owls that hoot when they detect movement. You’re living in a G-d owl bonanza. That’s how I feel about gardening. I’ve told the world, and now… people give me gardening stuff, all the time. Which.I.Love.

As most people I know were getting ill-fitting and unwanted clothing at Christmas, I got a rather generous gift certificate to Gardener’s Supply. Now that I can literally taste the pollen in the air, I pulled the trigger on some extremely fly gardening gear.

Like a fine watch, these Felco pruners are both Swiss and have WEIGHT. They make a very sharp slicing noise, as demonstrated near the ears of a nervous co-worker. They have a SAP GROOVE, which I suspect is like a blood groove on a combat knife. Can’t let sap get in the way of a good cut right? These plants will not even know what they just had chopped off, cuts clean as a damn chrome whistle on a sunny day.

I also bought a hose to replace the very sad excuse for a hose I’ve had for years. I unintentionally got it in the exact color of my sun-faded cooler, er rainwater cistern. And what goes well with hoses? You guessed it, spray nozzles.

Do you see the various types of HOLES in this thing? Can you possibly imagine how many different ways I’m going to water my plants with this?

Oh you want something gentle? Maybe a lil’ mist? Nice right? Oh hang on, you want more? You want the full force of an NYC fire hydrant? No problem, I gotchoo.

My garden has never been more well kempt or well-watered in all its years.

I am the garden dude. I’m into gardening. And I’m prepared to accept all that comes with that title. I’m also prepared to accept any and all of your generous garden-related gifts. Thank you in advance.

Saying I appreciate nature because I grow plants on my roof is like saying I can appreciate what it’s like to fight in combat because I play Call of Duty. I happen to both garden and play Call of Duty. Big deal. Point is, to really understand nature you need to experience it, immerse yourself in it, and even expose yourself… to its dangers. 

After last year’s venture into Harriman State Park, where my pals and I hiked for hours only to realize we were a few hundred yards from a busy road, we decided to up the ante. We wanted a challenge. We wanted a wilder experience, one that we could point to as a clear example what NOT to do. We wanted a test of our manhood, our worth as human beings, and our ability to nurture stubble into full-on man beards.

Over whiskey and a finely detailed map we plotted our journey through of a remote and rugged slice of the White Mountain National Park: The Wild River Wilderness. Hell, I’m wild, I like wilderness, I play Call of Duty. Let’s do dis. 

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Stop the internet presses. Stop. The. Internet. Presses. The editors over at Tumblr have picked Panthy’s Garden as a spotlight blog (in the Nature category).

By doing this they’re saying that if you’re into nature, this is your kind of motherlovin’ blog. If you’re not, you had better head back over to the “Cute” spotlight category and continue watching puppies hug kittens while sitting on babies.

Now that you’re here I’d like to get a little more specific. If you’re into reading about my robotic owl and how it’s head flew off in a tornado, this is for you. If you like pink gardening gloves, shitty trowels, or impressive, dad-assisted-home-made planter boxes, look no further. This is Brooklyn rooftop gardening in its highest and lowest forms.

If this is a place you regularly waste your time reading about my lettuce, please… please do something more productive with your life. I mean, keep reading! The summer is young (not even here actually); there’s bound to be a myriad of new ways to waste your time reading about my garden. Stay tuned.