Like my man Fred from 80s Dunkin Donuts fame, I’m about to get enthusiastic about my favorite duty of the day: killing seedlings.

Despite going away for a week, leaving the seedlings with my co-workers to water, and bouncing them around on the 2 train twice, they look pretty good, pretty damn good! A few of the onion sprouts got a wee bit demented on account of some fungus. Happens to the best of us.

But now I need to trim the herd and cut down the weak fellas, only one per poop satchel allowed. It’s no time for emotion, just time for tiny scissors and careful hands. Snip, snip, snip.

The season has barely begun and I’ve already created the world’s most pretentious salad! These aren’t baby greens, these are INFANT greens. HEIRLOOM INFANT GREENS. Button your top button and imagine yourself ordering this as an appetizer:

“Yes, I’ll start with the Heirloom Infant Greens Salad, followed by the grass-fed brazed cow head soup.” Sounds good right?

These sprouts will never know the feeling of bearing one fruit all summer and having exactly one bite taken out of their precious flesh by a squirrel. I should bring these over to Brooklyn Larder and charge them 50 dollars for the very privilege of even thinking of selling them!

Or I’ll just put them in the composter.